I have a little sumpthin' to say

Some quick details

2011-11-27T23:24:00.000-08:00

Well, I don't know how many people actually still read this blog, as it has been MONTHS since I posted anything of substance, but I just want to say a few things about this amazing man I'm dating. Here are some things. . .

1) He received a testimony of the truthfulness of the LDS church while kneeling in prayer in a privy (nose toward toilet paper, not urinal, he will always add) in the middle of a sandstorm in Iraq in 2003. He was in the army for 9 years. We met in church.

2) He has 2 cute and lovable children, Eddie (5) and Leila (almost 4) of whom he has full custody. It is awesome to see this tough military guy so soft and nurturing and loving with his children.

3) He is a sculptor of wood and stone and is getting his BFA at Pacific Northwest College of Art.

4) He is, most definitely, without a doubt, heterosexual and is freaking hard-core. We share an interest in getting off the grid and living as local as possible, as well as an interest in outdoor survival skills.

5) He is manly and knows how to build stuff/ fix stuff

6) He plays the guitar and figured out the mandolin in about 2 minutes flat.

7) In true Hilary tradition, he is almost 2 years younger than I am.

8) I knew he was a keeper when he said he would run the Cascade Lakes Relay with me this summer. He is a generous boyfriend, in that he doesn't mind running as slow as I do. That, my friends, is true love.

9) Maybe the most important thing is that he completely loves and respects me exactly how I am. He accepts me and Jude as a package deal and is committed to our comfort and welfare. I have never felt so sure of anyone's love, and I feel totally cherished and protected with him.

I hope that answers some questions, especially the question, "Where is that Hilary lately? I haven't heard from her in a couple months now!" Naturally.

Love

2011-11-23T02:01:00.000-08:00

I'm in love with Jeff Harris.

Some Summer Fun

2011-07-23T01:19:00.000-07:00

So far this summer, we've been to San Diego to visit my cousin Keriann and her family; and Utah to visit my mom after she got off the Navy hospital ship where she was a humanitarian nurse. So, here's some pics!

My awesome friend Karly took me to this cactus garden in Balboa Park in San Diego. I couldn't get enough of this interesting cactus!

Jude and his cousin Hazel. I think Hazel is about 9 months older than Jude, but the age difference does not come between their mutual interest in the book Cinderella.

Dave & Jo's family and me and Jude took a drive to Seattle to see my Grandpa Farrer who lives in an assisted living "institution" (as my grandpa likes to call it). Jude was very impressed with the size of Great Grandpa Farrer's house!

We picked strawberries. Well, David and I picked strawberries while the little kids removed the flags and then stuck them back wherever they wanted. They were causing confusion and delay.

Then it was the 4th of July. We all went to the Hillsboro, OR parade, and Jude got this free flag which he was obviously ecstatic about. I really loved that parade! There is something wonderful about participating in local patriotism!

Here's Jude at the "car store" which is our mechanic shop. That's Tim sitting next to Jude in an old Ford Mustang that sits in the middle of the waiting room. . . this is a BRILLIANT idea for entertaining kids while your car gets fixed. I cannot say enough good about Phoenix Autoworks. If their family had another son, I would promptly marry him and count myself lucky to be part of that family. I love them so much, and clearly, Jude feels at home with them too.

We stayed at "Hotel Kartchner" near Boise on our way to Utah. It just happened to be the weekend of the Richard Kartchner family reunion and Robin and Briton were staying there too on their way back from Utah. It was a HUGE COUSIN PARTY and we rented this gym full of trampolines. Only one person broke a bone, which I think was a small miracle considering how big our family was!

We made posters for my mom and Aunt Marianne the night we picked them up at the airport. Jude was helping us by providing entertainment.

We wrote a clever poem on that second poster. It says,

Roses are red, violets are blue

Cruise ships are nice, but the Navy's okay too.

My mom had no idea Jude and I would be there, and I think we surprised her real good!

We went to the "Dinosaur Skeleton Museum" with both of Jude's grandmas and had a wonderful time :)

This is Heaven to Jude

Okay, and secretly me too.

We played with my cousin Nichole's family up at my Grandma Kartchner's cabin in Provo Canyon. That creek was moving really fast this year! Here is Nichole handing out rocks to the children to throw.

More fun at the creek. Jude inherited that thing from me where he has to urinate when he hears rushing water. He didn't make it.

6 little cousins on the porch swing!

feet!

We met up with Brian and Tiffany at the finish line of a trail race Brian ran. He placed 7th in his division and won a pair of awesome running shoes in the raffle. Jude was just there for the treats.

There is more fun to come! We're running in the Hood to Coast relay in the end of August, and basically my whole family is busily training for that. We're also going to the ocean tomorrow. It's a rough life when you don't have a job!

Here is the Truth

2011-07-05T23:00:00.001-07:00

I was technically fired on June 30th. I have never been fired before. I have never even been considered for firing before, and I am left here, shocked, and wondering what in the world just happened? I have been working at OHSU, a humongus trauma I hospital here in downtown Portland, OR. I got hired on the adult oncology unit as an RN, with the understanding that I had 6 months to prove myself a good fit, and if I didn't make the cut, I would be "dismissed".

"Thank goodness I got a job so quick!" was all I was thinking when I got hired. "I'll just stay here for a couple years until it's time to go to grad school. I can do ANYTHING for 2 years." Or so I thought. At 3 months, my manager pulled me into her office, flatly told me all my flaws as a nurse, and told me she would fire me at 6 months if I couldn't "pull it together".

Here's where I think something's wrong with me. I think many people would look at this confrontation as a challenge, an opportunity to prove what amazing super nurses they are. Not me. I developed the strongest anxiety I think I have ever felt in my life. I suddenly felt like I couldn't ask other nurses for help because it would get back to my manager that I wasn't confident enough on my own. I felt like my manager had planted spies around, to keep an eye on my every move, and sure enough, she had! I would get called into her office to discuss something I had forgotten to document or a complaint from a neurotic patient, and other things that happen to just about every nurse. It is frustrating for me to think about these things. Why was I singled out so much? Why was it okay for another nurse to entirely miss a patient's temp spike, but it was unacceptable and grounds for firing for me to wait 30 minutes to notify a doctor about the same event?

I really do just feel picked on. My manager is a really closed, private, respecter-of-persons kind of woman. I am pretty much exactly the opposite. She saw my transparency as a weakness, a lack of confidence, while I view it as a strength and a sign of honesty. She told me she was dismissing me because she had to "make decisions based on patient outcomes." Here's something interesting. . .

In my head I was thinking, "What negative patient outcome have I personally, directly caused? When have I hurt a patient or done harm?" Then there was the phrase that often pops into my head when someone says or does something shocking to me. I said to myself, "What the hell?" I know that the answer to these questions is that I haven't done any harm. Everyone has gotten what they needed from me and all my patients have been safe. But my manager sees me as a threat. I am too open for her and it makes her think I'm a wild card, careless and unpredictable.

I was about to say these things out loud. I was about to make a beautiful rebuttal, but I stopped. I had already done everything in my power to defend myself in our previous little meetings. I always ended up feeling attacked and not listened to, like my word was not as valid as the person's who had reported me. So this time, I said nothing. Why would I defend a job I don't really like or want? A job that makes me miserable and feel belittled and scrutinized? I realized this job was not the right path for me. I have never felt as bad about myself as I have at this job. I was taught to feel guilty about things that were clearly out of my control, and I was blamed for things that were not my fault.

Am I a failure for not fighting tooth-and-nail to stay on this unit? I don't know that answer. I know I should not give things up just because they're hard. Is it fair to say I've had a lot on my plate since January of last year? I loved my sister-in-law, Miriam's blog post where she said,

So many critical moments in my life have been delayed. Like when John, one of my best friends from kindergarten through college, got killed in an auto accident. A year and a half later as I was walking down a wooded path, near the Genesee River in almost the exact location where I had seen fireflies for the first time, I started crying and it was finally for John. I talked to Matt Meyer about that after another friend passed away. Matt said that it was just that I was trying to survive and when the pressure let up a bit, I would finally deal with those emotions. The little parts of me screaming in fear and sorrow would out from quarantine to be tended to. He was right.

First of all, Miriam is so very eloquent. Second of all, I think that I have been in survival mode. Finally, it all came to a head, and I realized I could not hold it all together anymore, and I gave up the fight for my job. Can I put a time limit on how long it should take for me to deal with my grief? My own real quarantined emotions have finally erupted, and I could not handle the stress level of my hospital unit. For now, I can't function at the same level of acuity as I could when my life was stable.

It is really hard not to compare myself to others. I know there are incredibly strong single moms out there who work full time and build fulfilling careers and their kids are brilliant and inventing things. I don't know how to do that. Where do I even start to learn how to do that? I feel dysfunctional and broken. Where is my success? It's not in my family, that's for sure. Jude is addicted to watching movies and youtube because I have to get stuff done. He's started these screaming fits where he just cries and screams, "I want my daddy" over and over again. Any musical talent I once had has fallen to the wayside in my efforts to survive. In high school I had advanced English teachers tell me I could make it as a writer, and as you can tell from this post, I haven't had the focus to build that talent. I guess I am just moping, wondering how I am supposed to reach my potential when I'm so busy just surviving. Yet some people are able to do it, and excel at their talents in the face of adversity. I feel like I am neither successful at home nor at work.

One bright side is that since I don't have to go to work anymore, I can be more present and hopefully successful with Jude. We will just be poverty-stricken and not have health insurance.

Thanks for listening to me. If anyone has some uplifting advice or helpful things to read, I'd be interested in them.

Cooking and Other Sundries

2011-03-01T22:40:00.001-08:00

This will be pretty quick. In short, I am doing well. I'm now working full time on the adult oncology floor at OHSU, 3 12-hr night shifts per week. This last week I was sure I had either breast or stomach cancer. Then I thought it was a peptic ulcer, then I had a bout of diarrhea and determined it was simply a virus that had to work its way through (without being too explicit!). So, now that that's over, here are some pictures! Dave, Jo, and I recently took our three boys to the zoo. Jude's favorite thing at the zoo is riding on Dave's shoulders.

I thought this picture was kind of funny for some reason. They look like they're waiting to get jumped or something.

Isaac and Jude are usually fighting, so when I saw them being nice to each other, I thought I would take advantage of the moment, and I told them to hug each other, while making the motion of hugging myself. So, they just hugged themselves instead.

Then they got the hang of it!

Jude made us some dinner tonight. It was his first time cooking. Notice the soup had to be Toy Story soup. Also, I let Jude pick out our microwave. There was a stainless steel one, and this red one, and there was definitely no question which one we were taking home.

Here he is pointing out a noodle shaped like some Disney character.

Jude was being the "Jurtain in the curtain" (from a Dr. Seuss book), so he couldn't really see from behind the curtain, then he came running out full-blast and ran smack into our table with his right eye. At least that's the story I gave CPS. And why is this underlined and blue?

Dishing up

I knew having a child would pay off eventually. Now I never have to cook again!! Ha ha!

He also asked me to dance with him today. That just means running around the living room and me throwing him around in the air while listening to music, but I thought it was nice that he asked.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (and I am tuckered out!)

2010-12-30T21:08:00.000-08:00

This is what Jude does when I tell him to smile for the camera. I understand him so well. It is tricky to smile on demand when you are pretending to be happy you were born December 28th, when every other kid in the world also gets new and exciting toys and books. Poor Jude. And poor me for having to throw together Christmas AND a birthday party in the same week. . . a really AWESOME birthday party, I might add.

So, here's what's been going on. . .

Jude got to go see the REAL Santa this Christmas. This Santa is not just your basic overweight smelly guy with a fake beard who needs a job. This is the real Santa, and he happens to have a reception area at the downtown Macy's in Portland. He has a REAL beard, and is exceptionally good and gentle with children. This being Jude's first exposure, I didn't want to force Jude to sit on Santa's lap, so we just did a walk-by. Jude stopped right in front of Santa and said, "Hi Santa". To which Santa replied. "Hi". And then he just talked to Jude very kindly for a minute and asked, "What do you want for Christmas?" Jude replied, "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" (which I translated for Santa). As we walked away, Jude said, "Bye Santa" and the jolly fellow said, "Remember, Santa loves you." Jude then said, "Yup."

Jude has been obsessed with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. He knows the whole song and often asks me to sing it with him. When he heard it come on in different stores, he would start running around and singing it as loud as he could! It has been a joy to watch him catch the Christmas spirit. Another thing he learned this Christmas is that "Baby Jesus lives in a barn with camels," and other important tidbits of information.

Jude really liked this snowman at Macy's. As usual, he has on his stoic picture face.

Dave, Jo, and I took Joseph, Talmage, Sydney, Isaac, and Jude bowling on the 23rd. I think that was brave of us, because we basically had 3 2-year-olds to take care of! They may have gotten hurt, but no one died, so I would call that a success.

Sydney found another use for the hand-dryer

the arcade, Jude and Isaac

Christmas morning was somewhat anti-climactic. Jude and I slept over at Dave and Jo's. Joseph woke up at 5:30 AM and got the ball rolling, even though no one else wanted to be awake. Jude was more stoic than usual, I think because he was tired out of his mind. But he played with his new train set FOREVER before looking to other presents, so I know he loved it! The other big Christmas present was a Buzz Lightyear with pop-out wings, noises, lights, and spoken phrases.

Have you ever seen such serious faces?

Isaac and Jude playing with Jude's toys, or rather, studying them closely, coming up with hypotheses about them.

Jude was the first to discover there was sugar on the other end of his helicopter. The other boys quickly found their sugar as well.

Joseph and Isaac's tent and tunnel

It was fun to go back to Robin's to see what the Barker kids got for Christmas. Sydney is secretly my favorite Barker kid. I mean, how could she be any bigger of a free spirit?

On the 28th, Jude turned 2. We had an AMAZING birthday party for Jude, and he shared the party with Sonia, one of his friends who turned 3. We reserved the church gym, made a 3-lane race track, and told all the kids to bring their Big Wheels and tricycles. Then we just set them free with basically no structure except a couple of organized races. It was just perfect for toddlers and pre-schoolers, and the parents were glad to get their kids out of their houses and let them run wild.

Jude got this cool Lightning McQueen Big Wheel for his birthday, and he barely got off it during the party! Also, thanks to Briton who assembled it in 1/2 hour right before the party! I started assembling it the night before, but my long skinny phillips screwdriver is in storage, and Briton didn't have one skinny enough, so he borrowed one from his neighbors the morning of the party and had it put together JUST as Jude walked into the gym! Phew! Thank goodness for good men who cover your back when you over-schedule yourself!

We had a little "pool table" for the kids to fish stuff out with fish nets

But they mostly just used their hands

Sonia's mom, Karen, is a professional baker and chef (hooray!), and took care of all the food and birthday cake.

Check out that train cake! Karen threw this together in 2 hours. . . INCLUDING the gluten-free, allergy conscious chocolate car! BEAUTIFUL, and perhaps the most beautiful part is that I didn't have to bake! There are serious perks to being friends with Karen!

The girl taking a bite is Sonia. Her mom offered her the option of having an all-girl tea party birthday, and without hesitation, she chose the Big Wheel party instead! Atta girl!

Here is Jude showing off his blue tongue

Great party!

If you are wondering what we did with the left-over cake, ask Robin.

I like how little kids bowl. This is Talmage gitting 'er done!

Gym Thoughts

2010-11-17T21:51:00.000-08:00

Some Things I Just Have To Say

I joined a gym, a 24 Hour Fitness about 10 minutes away. It is a really nice gym, I think, with lots of good classes, a spin room, and a pool. "Ah! A pool!" you say. This is significant information pertaining to the rest of my post. I like to shower at the gym for several reasons, the biggest one being I can shower in peace and quiet there without Jude opening and closing my shower curtain repeatedly. He goes to the Kids' Klub while I exercise and take a shower. Also, I have overactive sweat glands, and I think showers are the most cleansing when you still have wet sweat on your body. Also, free shampoo and soap and it saves Robin and Briton from having to pay for my shower water.

Here's the thing. . . I think there is a generational disconnect about nudity in the locker room. I would NEVER NEVER EVER be seen nude in the open in front of a bunch of strangers. I have noticed that other younger women are also careful about their modesty in the locker room. Then there are the water aerobics ladies. . . SHAMELESS!! These are women, all over 55 years old walking all over the locker room, not just in the shower, as naked as the day they were born! Varicose veins and cellulite and everything! I am amazed that they seem completely unaware of how large they are. And they will sit, bare-bottomed on the locker room benches with their panises (a medical term for large flap of abdominal fat) hanging down between their legs, leaving some nice hepatitis A there for the next person. And they just sit around and talk to each other that way, without a hurry or care in the world! It is somewhat unsettling when I'm getting my stuff out of my locker, pretending not to notice the 250 pound naked lady standing next to me, and suddenly her clothed bosom buddy walks in from outside with her gym bag, also planning to attend the water aerobics class.

"Oh hi Melba!" She says, making perfect eye contact and touching the shoulder of her naked friend.

"Oh hi Ethel, I'm glad you're here. I brought you that recipe you asked for. Let's see. I've just got it in my bag here. . . " *bends over to rifle through the clothes in her bag--me averting my gaze, trying not to notice that the person standing next to me is completely flesh colored* "Oh! here it is!"

Ethel: Thank you. I'm just dying to try your hot buns recipe. Mine always come out dough-y.

Melba: No trouble at all! Say, have you heard how Maureen's surgery went? *Ethel begins disrobing*

Ethel: No, but if it was anything like mine *points to 5-inch scar on bare abdomen* she has quite a recovery ahead of her!

Then they waddle off chattering all the way to the pool in their swimsuits with the single ruffle that is intended to cover much more than it actually does. It is a strange phenomenon how these women can throw off any social pressure to wear clothes while conversing with another human being. I mean, I even feel a little on-edge if I'm just talking on the phone in my underwear, or while taking a dookie.

Here is another weird thing that happened at my gym just today. I was diddling around the house getting a job application together this morning, and missed the spin class I was planning on attending. So, I went into the empty spin room to ride by myself. I had been on the bike for about 10 minutes when this girl, probably my age or a little younger, walked in wearing a LOW-cut tank top and SHORT shorts. I just kind of noticed it, and kept going with my intervals. Then she pushed a couple bikes out of the way to clear a space on the floor, took out these chain things with weighted pom-poms on the ends (one in each hand) and started twirling them so the pom-poms were making circles in the air at her sides. Thinking this was some sort of new sport, I started watching a little more intently, trying to grasp the physical benefits of such an exercise. I quickly realized this was not an exercise routine, but more of an exotic dance routine. She would dip down low swinging those chains and stare at her cleavage in the mirror, making sure it was all showing. There were also several moves involving the inner thighs. Needless to say, I started getting really uncomfortable. But she seemed very comfortable, and my workout was just starting to get effective, so I tucked my chin and stayed put for an entire hour, getting little glimpses of her dance every now and again when I had to look up at the clock.

I found myself wondering who she really was. Why was she choosing to get good at this skill? I feel pretty confident that she works at a club or something, because she seemed very intent on keeping those spinning chains moving like clockwork and not getting tangled up while undulating her body. She couldn't make any mistakes. There was this one move, in particular that almost made me cry. She would put the chains together and hold her hands right up to her throat and then whip her head and shoulders so the chains wrapped around her neck in kind of a violent motion. I think something happened to her in her childhood, and she has become a slave to sex. I saw those chains choking her, and I just felt so bad for her. I wanted to yell, "There's another way!! You don't have to dance for men!" I saw her in the locker room later, and she had changed into jeans and a long-sleeved T-shirt. Then I saw her again in line when she went to pick up her son at the Kids' Klub. How hard for that little boy, to one day find out what his mama does for a living, and perhaps on another day find out why she does it.

Am I being dramatic? Sometimes I'm that way. I also go to a Zumba class every once in a while. I love Zumba! I am SO uncoordinated and I feel so pathetic, but the cool thing about this particular class is that most of the women are just as uncoordinated as I am, but we are all just smiling and having fun. It makes me feel so connected to the people in our class. It's just a place where progress, not perfection, is the goal.

In closing, I would like to leave a remark made by my dear cousin Robin tonight:

"Naked people have little or no influence in society"

And here is a really cool picture I found on Google

Some random stuff

2010-11-10T22:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I let Jude play with the camera and just follow his artistic instincts. Here is one example of his work. Hint: he was wearing a yellow shirt when he took this picture.

Another masterpiece!

Yesterday me and Robin (mostly Robin) watched a total of 8 children at Robin's house. Two of them were twin baby boys. I think this picture accurately depicts how those 3 hours went.

I am writing another blog about Laura, but here is a sneak-peak at her visit. Laura is my incredible sister-in-law who, even during her extremely busy graphic design program at BYU, took the time to come to Oregon and help me heal. She also happens to be the most talented artist I know. Here we are at the Rose Garden in Portland.

Jude and Talmage

Sydney cooking something up ;)

Jude and the "spooky pumpkin"

After a failed attempt while Laura was here, I took Jude and Talmage back to the Japanese Gardens in Portland. I don't know why the colors are so weird. Jude is hugging Talmage's arm in this one.

Talmage with a lion and the bookmark he won for finishing the children's scavenger hunt

Jude's picture with a lion did not go so smoothly

I hope it is apparent I am just having a lot of fun here. I'm still waiting for my Oregon nursing license to come, so I don't have to work yet, and I have all this time to just play and host people who want to come visit me (hint, hint). I am more in tune with my spirit and body than I have been since my mission. Every day is basically joyful with those sudden and unexpected moments of shock when I realize what a toxic environment I'm coming out of. It really is a beautiful life. I am happy and grateful.

Seaside, Oregon

2010-11-10T21:56:00.000-08:00

Well, I have been dying to get to the ocean ever since we moved to Portland, and finally, neither my brother nor I had anything planned on a Saturday. It was a cold, rainy, overcast day (oh wait, that's like every day in the winter) but we just bundled up and played anyway! I am so glad we went!

The back seat

Here is Jude in his spider rain jacket. He keeps a little car in that pocket at all times, in case of a boredom emergency

Mein Bruder with his boys, Isaac and Joseph

Joseph wrote his name in the sand. You read it right, "Toseph"

Isaac before he took his boots off

crab shells are all the rage

Seagulls and children begging for food

Joseph made this train track in the sand, and the little boys were going CRAZY pretending to be trains

FAVORITE PICTURE EVER OF ISAAC!

Joseph's sandcastle. It was largely made up of crab shells and no one dared step on it for fear of cutting their foot open and getting sand in their wound.

So, there it is folks! A successful and sandy trip to the beach.

Portland, Oregon: Part 1

2010-10-15T22:18:00.000-07:00

Jude and I traveled for 11 hours (3 airplanes) on September 16th, from Burlington, VT to Portland, OR, our new town. It was a weird feeling to be flying into Portland, firmly believing this is my final destination. It is likely that this is where I'll buy my first house, establish a midwifery practice, and raise my little Jude. These are all very adult activities which I have never done before, and they will all be done in a place I have never lived before. It's really pretty exciting, and I am very fond of adventure. . . but also just weird. . . that I'm here by myself, without a husband. I'm living with my way-too-generous cousin Robin, and also mooching off my big brother David and his wife Jo. When we arrived after that hellacious day of airports, we were picked up and hugged by my brother Dave, driven to Robin's house, and then we walked into this room, which Robin calls "the sanctuary". Robin put this room together for me, and it is incredibly inviting!

The basket on the middle shelf was full of little decadent treats, lotion, bath salts, and the like, as well as information about local attractions (and, in true Robin style, a library card application).
There is now a crib where that Pack N' Play was. Robin called me while I was still in TN and asked me what my favorite color was. I told her kelly green. Now I know why she was asking. Ha! I LOVE waking up to this wall every morning! This color represents life and new growth and the peace found in nature to me. Some people think it's too bold. I can't get enough of it.

This was, by far, my favorite part of walking into my room that night. I worked as an instructor for a wilderness therapy program for troubled teens called Anasazi. It was a magical, life-changing part of my life. Robin also was a trailwalker, and she pulled this "song" (the Anasazi word for it) out of the book we used on the trail. It still sits up there, as a daily reminder that I am making a forward walking now, and there is joy and peace to be found.

Okay, next. . .

A couple times a week, all the kids end up in the bathtub together. This is Talmage, Jude, and Sydney. Jude seems to be having a great time spending his days with his second cousins. He also spends a lot of time with his cousins (David's kids) Joseph and Isaac, and has also taken a few baths with them. Hey, whatever it takes to get him in the bathtub! His language has DRAMATICALLY developed! He is saying some full sentences now, and uses his words to tell other kids what he does and doesn't like!

I think every parent understands the state of this room.

The pink and purple Big Wheel at Robin's is the perfect height for Jude's legs right now. He LOVES this Big Wheel, and he has ridden it for at least a mile while I walked beside him! Jude and his wheeled objects!

Robin and Briton's oven broke, in every sense of the word. So, they got a new one, and this is the box it came in. This is Isaac, Joseph, and Talmage, bulldozing along in their new "clubhouse". They quickly learned how to push it along like hamsters on a wheel.

Then Jude tried to join in the "fun", and it threw off the mojo.

With my new library card, I can check out passes to different attractions in the city. Jude and I checked out the Chinese Gardens last week, and I was blown away! I felt exactly like I was in Hong Kong again! This was the most authentic Chinese garden I can imagine. It flowed well, had all the hole-y rocks and lotus water lilies, and koi fish. It was amazing! It all fits within one city block, but I thought it felt much bigger than that.

This is the face Jude gives me when he figures out I have the camera, something he covets

Thanks for reading!

Portland, Oregon: Part 2

2010-10-15T21:21:00.000-07:00

Hi! Some more pictures and goings-on. . .

Here is Robin in her element. We got in the Halloween spirit and hung a giant spider web on the front of the house. Then the kids got to put the spiders in the web. I think in nature there is no such thing as a communal spider web. It seems like it would not be advantageous for a spider to share a web with other spiders. However, it's kind of symbolic of Robin, Briton, and my relationship.

Then we used a pair of red underwear to make a guy who would sit by the water feature, "fishing" on Halloween night. Here he is laying on the living room floor with naked kids running around him.

More kids! Robin is the neighborhood mom and she usually watches like 8 kids every day, just out of the goodness of her heart.

Dave and I took the boys hiking at the bird sanctuary last weekend. It was slow-going as we had 2 poopy diapers within about .3 miles. But we saw all kinds of interesting birds.

Talmage gathering autumn leaves

Oh wait. These are actually 2 different hikes. Anyway, here's Joseph.

These kids are serious about their cartography skills.

This was taken by Talmage, but I think it ended up being kind of artistic.

I watched Dave and Jo's boys while they went on a date. I was so surprised to find the ever-awake-and-energetic Joseph asleep on the floor in the middle of the day.

Also in the spirit of Halloween, we carved pumpkins for Family Home Evening.

Here is Jude pulling the guts out of his first pumpkin. He found just as much joy putting the guts back in the pumpkin. Poor Jude has conjunctivitis in this picture, so his eyes are weird, crusty, and red.

So those are the recent goings-on. I am still waiting for my Oregon nursing license to process. I can't get a job until I have it. I am currently working out a sketchy car deal with an Iranian man. That is a whole other story. I told Robin if I find cocaine hidden in the seats of the car, we can split the profits. All's I know is, I'm getting a STEAL of a deal on this car! Ha!

Burlington, Vermont

2010-09-30T21:55:00.000-07:00

Picture courtesy of Enoch Petersen

I spent the week before I moved to Portland in Vermont, visiting my sister who just had her second baby. My mom orchestrated the whole thing and stayed that week with Missy also. My mom is so gracious, and knew I would need some time to decompress after leaving Carl, and even paid for my plane ticket to Vermont! So, it was my mom, Missy, Chase, Enoch, new little Tessa, Jude, and me, for a week, just hanging out and playing a lot. Here are some pics. . .

Here we are enjoying some story time.

We went grocery shopping. (Enoch and Jude had a hard time coordinating their steering wheel movements and very little was accomplished)

Jude found the shoes of his dreams

We went to Shelburne Farms

And just played around

Jude finally learned how to drive a tractor, so now I can put him to work!

He was reeeeeaaalllly excited about the tractors

I know this is blurry, but Jude always had a fun time sitting back there with Enoch. I quickly learned that anything involving spit is funny to young children.

We visited the Cider Mill and got to drink fresh-pressed apple cider

And we saw this awesome rainbow. It was a double rainbow (don't know if that really shows up here)

Here is a sneak preview of our life in Portland, Oregon. We had a big family dinner the Sunday after me and Jude arrived. All the cousins were having races in the backyard, and when they came in, they told Briton they needed a car wash. So Briton graciously washed all their "tires" off. From farthest to nearest. . . Talmage, Joseph, Sydney, Isaac, Jude.

It has been really fun living with Robin and Briton (my cousin and her husband). There is always something to do and ideas to discuss and plans to make. Mostly, I am trying to be patient while waiting for my Oregon nursing license to go through. I can't apply for jobs until that happens, and it's a little frustrating. Also, though, it's a nice excuse to just sit around and eat bon-bons all day with Robin. Ha! Portland is the perfect city for running. It is SO EASY to stick Jude in the stroller and go for a nice long run. By long I mean 3 miles. I'm still "acclimatizing", right? Right?? Robin and Briton are running the St. George Marathon this weekend. That's all I have to say about that.

Jude seems to be adjusting well. He is always having fun, but he can feel that we're in limbo, I think. He's not sleeping as well as he usually does. He has Skyped with Carl a couple times, and that seems to put him in a really happy mood. I think Carl and Jude need each other. Maybe I just needed to get out of the equation. Anyway, things here are good. I have already been to a session at the Portland temple and I was overwhelmed with a feeling of love, and that Heavenly Father is intimately aware of me and Jude, and He loves us and is watching out for us. It was the most powerful temple experience of my life. I can never deny the love I felt there. I am grateful to be near a temple again.

The Last of Chattanooga

2010-09-30T21:28:00.000-07:00

I wanted to post some pictures from our family reunion in Utah and also some from the last few days Jude and I lived in Chattanooga, Tennessee. So, here you go!

This was taken at my Grandma Kartchner's cabin (where we had the family reunion). It is mostly a picture of that bare-bones "shopping cart" that was the cause of much contention among children ages 18 months to 2.5 years old. I can't tell you how many times we removed that object and hid it from a huddle of screaming, fighting children, only to find that someone had found it again and was currently defending their right to push it around.
Here are a bunch of toddlers from my cousins' families, including Jude.

Jude, Isaac, and Joseph at my mom's house. I can't believe I caught ALL of their faces! They had a great time together, and now are loving living so close to each other in Oregon.
Here is Jude at my friend, Stephanie's house. She has a really big and awesome backyard with this hammock swing. Jude LOVES it! And I love Stephanie and I already miss her like crazy!
I took Jude to the Chattanooga Aquarium to swim one last time. They have all these great pools and "rivers" that are perfect for toddlers to practice swimming in.
Here he is "playing a trick" on me. This is the one where he hides water in his mouth until I ask him if he has water in his mouth, and then he spits it out or lets it dribble down his chin. He seems to feel so sneaky when we play this game!
Okay, that was it for our last little bit in Chattanooga. It was hard to leave in a way, but also quite refreshing to just leave the negativity behind me. When people ask me how I like Chattanooga, I have such a mixed response, and I don't know what to say. It's beautiful and fun, but I have such a negative association with it, like that's where the very jaws of hell gaped open after me. I will say this. . . Chattanooga was the most pivotal place and time in my entire life. Now, on to the new stuff!

If this video works, it's a video of Jude painting a picture for his great Grandpa Farrer. Unfortunately, the picture found its way into the recycling bin in the rush of moving.

Vermont, Oregon

2010-09-21T00:28:00.000-07:00

I don't have any pictures to add right now since I don't have my own computer set up yet, but I just wanted to say Jude and I were in Vermont last week, and we have made it safely to Portland, OR. I have some great pics and videos from both places. Just hang in there until I can get my computer set up! That's all!

Carl and I are Separating (get ready, this is a long one!)

2010-08-20T20:53:00.000-07:00

I wrote this with Carl's permission. He's okay that I'm sharing this with you. Please read it with sensitivity. Thanks!

Carl and I are separating. Four and a half years ago, I married a homosexual man in the Mt. Timpanogos LDS temple. At the time, I knew he was gay, and I really didn’t see the weirdness in it. He had chosen to live in a heterosexual relationship and enjoy all the blessings and privileges of such a union. No one counseled me about it or told me the incredibly high failure rate of this type of marriage. Some people talked to Carl about how hard it would be, but no one spoke to me and gave me some cold, hard statistics. I just figured we both wanted it, so it would work.

I loved Carl so much, I mean in a romantic way. Sure enough, that love deepened to a more real, sustainable love. The thing is, the romantic part went away completely. Not because I wanted it to, but because the romance was completely one-sided (all from me!). I read Dr. Laura books about how to keep your husband happy and excited to be with you. I tried losing weight, asking how he liked my hair the best, allowing him to pick out my clothes, even wearing make up! I was just trying anything that would give me a clue as to what this guy wanted. I finally accepted, probably about 2 years into our marriage, that it wasn’t me he wanted. It wasn’t any woman he wanted!

I remember being really nervous when I felt like it was time to start a family, because I didn’t know if Carl could freely give of himself to a child when he didn’t even feel capable giving his heart to me, his wife. Carl is a very good, loving man, and he felt like since he was already in this marriage for life, he could handle any responsibility that came along with it. So, he was okay having a baby with me. So, we had one! Our beautiful little Jude was born December 28, 2008. Jude is hands down, the most wonderful, perfect thing that has come out of our marriage. If I had to go through all the struggles of feeling sexually rejected and alone again, I would absolutely do it again 10 times if it meant I could have such a beautiful gift in the end! He has blessed both of our lives immeasurably, and the scariest part about separating from Carl is I don’t know if we’ll be able to return the blessings. Jude is my number one worry in all of this mess. I keep hoping that because he is so young he won’t remember leaving his dad who he loves so much.

Family members have asked me, “So, you’ve made it this far. Why are you separating now?” I believe there have been some refining fires in our lives that have forced us to see the true nature of our relationship. Here are the fires. . .

1) January 1, 2010: My dad died suddenly and unexpectedly of a massive heart attack

2) February 15, 2010: We moved clear across the country to Chattanooga, Tennessee, where we didn’t know a soul except for each other. The influences of our family members were gone.

3) March 30, 2010: Carl told me how lonely he had been for a really long time, and that if we didn’t change our course, he didn’t think he could last another 20 years in a married relationship.

After discussing all this, we think all these things just piled up. I was grieving the loss of my dad and taking care of Jude, and was not completely emotionally available to Carl. At the same time, all of Carl’s “cheerleaders” or family members who believed he could do it were no longer around. All we had was each other, and we realized there was really nothing between us. It was like being roommates with someone, except with the expectation to be committed to each other and to pretend to be excited about it. I don’t know how to convey what this really feels like. It’s more than just a “rough spot”. If it was, it would be the longest-lasting, most continual rough spot I can imagine. Do you see the trickiness of it? Carl’s attraction to men will never, ever go away as long as he is alive. I could be the most giving, loving wife in the world, and Carl’s neurology would not respond. He will never have a natural inclination to procreate and be part of a traditional family. The proof of that is that he never has! He’s had a desire to do the right thing. This has all been out of duty, hoping to please those who are watching him. It was, of course, really hard for me to realize this as a woman who thought she had found her one true love. It was hard to realize I had never been desired, from the very beginning. The LDS church’s official position on the subject (of course, I was naïve and didn’t know this before I made covenants) is that people with same-sex attraction should NOT get married. Now I know why!

Sorry, I guess I felt like I had to defend our decision to separate. It is hard for LDS people who make and keep covenants to understand sometimes.

In all of this, I find myself incredibly sympathetic to Carl’s side of things. Can you imagine never EVER allowing yourself to even have a crush on someone because that someone happened to be the “wrong” sex? To suppress feelings as strong as romantic love your entire life. . . through PUBERTY? Oh yikes! Some people are still convinced that homosexuality is a choice. I guess it is sometimes, like maybe in the case of sex addicts who need to change things up to get the same rise, but Carl will whole-heartedly assure you he did not choose this lot in life! Why would he choose to feel damned, inferior, like he had to compensate for some “weakness” he has? Are you kidding me? I don’t care how messed up your family life was, no one would CHOOSE to be homosexual!! It is so so hard! All scientific evidence (including studies done by biology professors at BYU) strongly suggests that children are born gay or straight. It has something to do with the hormones in the womb during the second trimester of pregnancy, and it affects 5% of all pregnancies, regardless of race or culture, and even in several animal species. There are all kinds of theories out there as to why nature would select for homosexuality. One thing I am absolutely sure of is that it IS part of God’s plan. He is 100% aware of every person and animal out there with same-sex attraction and He loves them just as much as everyone else, because they are His children and He made them that way. He even loves them when they choose to enter into sexual relationships with other homosexuals. And not so secretly, I think He understands it.

The suicide rate for homosexuals is 5 times higher than for straight people. There is all kinds of self-hatred that goes on. You won’t see it in wild gay pride parades and half-clad males wearing women’s clothing. Instead it exists in their quiet moments alone, when there is painful time for reflection and wondering if it would be better to just be dead, to not have to face the choice of hurting their family members or which degree of glory they are worthy of. Carl had a great point about primary kids who might be feeling the beginnings of same-sex attraction. Our kids are taught from day 1 that they can grow up, get married in the temple, and it gives them a ticket to live in the highest degree of glory with their spouse forever, and create worlds and have children forever. Well, 5% of primary children hear that and become terrified. One in 20 children thinks they are incapable of that kind of life. Why would they strive and grit their teeth and work so hard for a reward they doubt they could actually commit to? Many of them would rather take a lower degree of glory where they could be with others who are like them. There is really no motivation for a gay person to be celibate their whole lives because, unless homosexuality is a “disease”, it cannot be changed in the next life, and they will miss out entirely on their chance for romantic love if they don’t seize the day. This is getting very doctrinal. I’m just saying, there is not much motivation for a gay person to stay single his entire life.

On my end, I read a book by Carol Lynn Pearson called “No More Goodbyes” about how to support our loved ones who face this incredible trial. What I got out of this book is that our job is to simply love. Quit judging, quit thinking we, as straight people, know what is best for gay people. Just stop thinking and love and welcome them in. If we must teach our children about same-sex couples so they understand what’s going on, then we must teach. Sorry it’s hard. Sorry they are asking questions at younger and younger ages. Some people I know are offended that anyone would try to teach about same-sex marriage in schools. I don’t know if they are worried that their children will hear about it and want to “convert” to homosexuality or what. I think that’s a ridiculous argument. Your kids are either gay or straight. They’re not going to change just because it’s brought up in school. I don’t actually know where I stand on this issue. I just know I hate that argument that your kids will suddenly want to marry someone of their same sex. It is our job to teach our children love. I don’t think we should teach our children that promiscuity is okay. Carl made the point that a lot of gay men act like animals and are extremely promiscuous, only because they are treated like animals. A lot of people in LDS culture, unfortunately, think it is okay to think of gay people as “over there” or somehow separate from us, like in a leper colony. That is wrong. We are to welcome them in, help them feel secure. They are our brothers and sisters and they live WITH us, not apart from us. If someone feels loved and secure, they will not be crazy and promiscuous, searching frantically for some inkling of real love. That means introducing yourself and your children to the gay couple next door, allowing your children to play with their children, inviting gay couples to your dinner table. Be charitable, be generous, be loving. Of course use discernment. There are gross gay people just as much as there are gross straight people. But there is no reason why good, decent people should not be welcomed into your home, black, white, yellow, gay, straight, disabled. There is WAY too much judging going on. They’re just people. Just love, just love. Sorry! That’s my soapbox.

I also want to talk about the atonement and forgiveness. When my husband told me he was afraid he wasn’t capable of sticking with this marriage, I was definitely hurt and angry. One time, I was so angry I thought I might rip his face off for treating me like this! And Jude like this! I felt so out of control I talked to one of my friends who also happens to be a social worker with good training in counseling. He told me that I would go through a whole gamut of emotions, none of them comfortable or pleasant. They are part of the grieving process, letting go of the expectations I had for my life. I wanted 4 kids (all birthed naturally, of course!) and a huge dog and a remote house in a wooded area that was little inside but had TONS of outdoor living space where we could play; And I wanted a husband who would come home hungry, not just for dinner, but for ME! I wanted someone who wanted me in every way a husband possibly can want his wife. I never had that, and maybe I never will. My friend said that when the anger or sadness comes, I need to invite it in, just feel it completely, acknowledge it, and let it go. I should not allow myself to let it linger and latch onto something inside me. This advice has been SO IMPORTANT as I try to retain my softness and my ability to give love to others. It has been a beautiful experience, letting go of the anger, knowing that Someone has already taken care of it, and then letting His love fill me to take the place of the anger. I have never felt so cradled, so looked-after, and so loved. I am full of love, and I find myself being a better mom and friend because I have so much love I just have to give it away! I was reading in Alma 34 where we are instructed to plead for mercy to replace justice in our own wrong-doings. When I read it recently, though, I realized we have to plead for mercy to fill our hearts, so we will not hope that others get what’s coming to them. It’s hard to explain, but I just know that when I read it, I wanted to be like Christ, and have mercy on Carl instead of praying that justice would be served. To my surprise, I have forgiven Carl (and taken responsibility for my own part in all of this), but we are separating because I can’t trust Carl to never find a relationship outside our marriage. I can’t trust him to remain faithful since he has such strong feelings of same-sex attraction, and since he has been lonely for so long. He also is worried about this, probably more than I am. And that’s it. I love Carl, and he will always be welcome in my home. And if he ever finds a mature, stable, permanent partner, he will also be welcome in my home (though I have made it clear I won’t have the “18-year-old boyfriend of the month” situation coming into my house!). I am at peace, and I can only say it is because of the atonement of Jesus Christ. It is so so beautiful, and truly passeth my understanding.

Some Recent Goings On

2010-04-14T19:23:00.001-07:00

Here are some pictures you might enjoy. These were taken over the last month or so. We've actually done a lot of fun things in the outdoors, but we never remember to bring our camera (in true estilo Barlow). For example, we recently took a canoe out on the Lookout Creek where we saw a huge blue heron flying off the water and 5 slider turtles follow each other off a log and into the water. . . plop, plop, plop, plop, plop! Anyway, here are a bunch of boring pictures just inside our apartment.

Jude is learning table manners

And he is becoming an artist!

An artist who uses his potty!

We got that little pink chair from the family who sold us their van. Jude seems to feel very special that he has his own little chair just his size.

This is the only picture I have of Jude on Easter 2010. I took him to the huge Baptist Easter egg hunt at Coolidge Park. It was so big, I couldn't figure out where to take Jude for the "under 2 years" section, so we didn't get any eggs. We did, however, take advantage of the Baptists' free donuts.

We went to a water garden store (where Carl was in Heaven!), and this is Jude pointing to the Koi fish he likes the most. He would still rather point at something than touch it.

Except in this case. He loves fountains. I think he got that from his Grandpa Farrer.

Some cute smiles Jude gave me on our porch right before he smashed his face into a bloody pulp.

I took Jude to the zoo, and was excited to see him play with the animals in the petting zoo. True to his nature though, he would rather point at the animals than touch them.

One more reason why homeschooling is advantageous. If you need to catch up on a subject, you can do it on the toilet and it counts as classroom time. This is a common scene in our house. Whenever Jude sits on the potty, we read him a story. He has learned a lot of important things while sitting on that potty. We ask him to "point to the ________ fill in the blank", and he totally does it. He has learned what an owl, a butterfly, a gnarled branch, and countless other things look like because of our potty-school method.

A Truly Remarkable Experience

2010-03-17T11:59:00.000-07:00

Well, Carl and I have joined a gym. It is akin to 24 Hour Fitness out west, but it is called The Rush.

Everything there is really nice. .. except one thing. . . Patti. We decided to try out a Zumba class together last week. In case you have never heard of Zumba, it is basically a really high-energy Latin dance aerobic class. I tried this class out when we were in Utah, and I thought it was really fun. They turned the lights almost off, and they played all kinds of exciting Latin music, and no one could really see how uncoordinated I was, even though the room was PACKED with people. It was a fun class and I got really sweaty and raved and raved about it to Carl until he finally agreed to come with me to this class at The Rush.

Here are the things that were different about this class at The Rush. . .

1) Carl was THE ONLY male (which seems to be common in exercise classes here)

2) There were only 6 of us total.

3) The music was really quiet, and I could hear myself breathing.

4) The instructor, Patti, came in, and I thought she was a student.

5)Patti was AT LEAST 65 years old, about 20 pounds overweight, and REEKED of cigarette smoke. She had a smoker's cough as well. She wrapped a scarf with little chimes all over it around her hips. I was amazed by the smallness of her range of motion. If she were not an aerobics instructor, I would mistake her for a greeter at Wal-Mart. Needless to say, our heart rates never went above 70 bpm.

6) Pattie would say things like, "Now, you can try to get lower and touch the floor on this one, but it makes it real hard to get back up, so I'm just gonna stay up here." Also, she kept drawing attention to the fact that Carl was the only male, and it started to sound like she was mocking him. At one point she said, "Come on boyfriend! Flip that skirt!" She would draw attention to each of us individually and say, to the group, what we were doing that was not to her liking.

7) When it was over, we were glad.

This experience made me very grateful for my own ability to improve. If I take this experience to heart, perhaps I will not end up a burnt-out, low-energy "aerobics" instructor at age 65.

To show the beauty of self-improvement and development, I have included a video of Jude taking some of his first steps of his own volition. I give you self-motivation!

Chattanooga Chatter

2010-03-02T19:34:00.000-08:00

Well, we've been here for quite a little while now. . .not quite a month, I guess. Here's what has happened. . .
1) Jude got herpes in and around his mouth and also we thought he had a cracked tooth from falling on his mouth. Amidst his crying and whining, we brought him to a pediatric dentist who looked in his mouth and freaked out about the herpes and finally got around to telling us his tooth was fine. He also "diagnosed" Jude's snaggle tooth as a "geminated" tooth, and it is very possible he will only have 3 incisors instead of 4 on his bottom jaw. Then he promptly sent us to a pediatrician for the herpes. As I anticipated, the pediatrician didn't think it was a very big deal (and frankly, neither did we) and didn't give us any medication or anything for the herpes. This pediatrician is my kind of doctor. .. low intervention. . . let the body take care of it. . . why did you even bring him in? They cleared up on their own in less than a week.

2) I had a fever for 5 days straight, got tested for strep and flu and was negative on both. I waited it out, took an amazing amount of garlic, and got better. All's I can say is, I am SO GRATEFUL to have a healthy family again! I cannot believe how much sickness disrupts our lives and stresses every fiber in our family! Forget World War III, just give everyone a 5-day fever and whoever's left standing wins!

3) Visited and bought memberships to the aquarium, the Chattanooga Nature Center, and the children's museum. . . already the best investments we've ever made.

4) Bought a really really wonderful washing machine and dryer. . . the first ones we have ever owned, and the first ones we've ever had IN our house with us! I am SO HAPPY about these purchases!!

5) Carl and I both applied at Maxim Health Care (a nursing agency) and we're pretty sure we got hired. We find out on Thursday or Friday. Mostly we just had to take these tests and get 80% on them. Also, even though our Utah nursing licenses are under interstate compact, and TN is also a compact state, they are insisting that we get TN nursing licenses. This means, we don't have to be any more competent than we already are, don't have to prove ourselves to anyone or take any tests or anything. Do you know what we have to do?? Pay, in total, $400.00 to the state of TN, and then they'll let us practice here. Isn't that RIDICULOUS?? It bugs me SOOOOOO much!

6) Registered our car here and now we have an official Tennessee license plate.

7) A big thing here is cupcake shops. The cupcakes themselves kind of gag you because they are a very small portion of cake topped with about a pound of frosting, but they are SO CUTE!! There is one cupcake shop in particular, called Gigi's Cupcakes http://www.gigiscupcakesusa.com/cupcakes.aspx, that I BEG Carl to go to mostly so I can look at all those cute cupcakes lined up, glistening with sugar and little delectable toppers.
We have eaten Gigi's cupcakes a total of 3 times since we've been here. Every time we say to each other, "That really wasn't worth $3." But the cuteness just compels me to go back!

8) Most importantly, in one month, we have eaten at Waffle House a total of 3 times! That is A LOT for us! Carl highly recommends the "build your own omelet" menu item. I highly recommend main-lining sugar as an equal and less expensive alternative to eating a waffle at Waffle House.

9) Jude is WALKING!! Well, the longest stretch he's done is about 10 steps, walking from one of us to the other. I have tried so hard to get our videos to upload and I can never do it. We have 2 really good videos, but they're just not uploading. I'll work on it. He also says "Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot" many times in succession and opens and closes his hands at the same time. He usually does this when we're about to feed him something we just took out of the microwave or cooked. He also does it when he touches the ice cubes in the freezer, and sometimes when he sees a dog. For these reasons, I don't think he totally knows what it means. He also blows on his food if we tell him it's hot. That is sooooo cute!

Just one last observation. . . things are expensive here. Food is RIDICULOUSLY expensive! We pay $3.50 for a gallon of milk, that's the cheap brand. No wonder many Tennesseans struggle with their weight! You have to mortgage your house to buy vegetables, and the cheap food is fast food. I am feeling discouraged about feeding my family good, clean, whole food because it is just SO expensive. The cost of one green bell pepper: $1.89. One avocado: $1.70. Everything is double what we payed in Utah. It's not even good quality. Carl one day came up with a very accurate and, of course, funny quote: "Sav-A-Lot: marginal quality at a premium price." It is TRUE. I am so embarrassed about this, but I have been shopping at Wal-Mart here because you really can't afford anything else. Even at Wal-Mart the milk is $3.30. The only person I know who hates Wal-Mart more than I do is Jude. He cries instantly when we walk in the door and doesn't stop until we leave. So, groceries are really expensive. Registering your car, on the other hand, only costs $35. That was a pleasant surprise.

Carl came up with another great slogan, since we've been looking for another car. He was thinking it would be great if there was a really bare-bones car company. It would produce cars with no bells and whistles at all. The slogan would be "(Fill in name of car company): Finally, a viable option for your driving needs." Well, you have to imagine Carl saying it, and then it's really funny.

Well, that's really all I have to say. Have a fun day!

Woo Woo Chattanooga, there you are!

2010-02-15T19:20:00.000-08:00

Wow! You probably think I forgot I have a blog! The truth is, we have been really busy moving to Chattanooga, TN for Carl's program of nurse anesthesia. He will be attending the University of Tennessee, Chattanooga in May. Now is the time where we have to quickly establish residency so we can get in-state tuition (which is surprisingly easy in Tennessee!). I thought I would just share with you some things we've done/seen lately (that was NOT supposed to sound like the southern phrase "done seen" which is thrown around liberally around here!). So, here goes. . .
Here is a picture of Jude helping us pack back in Utah. He thought the tape would fit easier if he packed the tape separately from the casette.

I got 2 cavities filled by my good friend Kyle Clark (who also happens to be a dentist) right before moving day. I thought you might enjoy seeing what I would look like as a stroke victim.

This is one of my favorite things we've seen on the freeway so far in Chattanooga. It just seems weird to see a mountain bike atop a limo. My other favorite thing we've seen on the freeway was a pair of pants on our exit sign. I couldn't get to the camera fast enough, but I still just wonder how they got there!

We went to the grocery store and they had this AWESOME shopping cart for Jude! THIS is the way to shop! It kind of messes me up though, 'cause Jude really likes taking right turns the whole time he's driving :)

Here is a supermarket oddity. They left these lobsters out, alive, slowly moving, in the ice. You were supposed to grab your own living lobster and take it home in WHAT may I ask? A produce bag? It's still a mystery.

Here is a fine blurry picture for you. We got a little walker for Jude because we thought he might enjoy the independence of walking without hanging on to one of us. He can practically run with this thing now! He is still hesitant to let go of anything.

The mall by our extended-stay hotel had this kind of fun playground. This particular piece must have been left over from the Memorial Hospital because that name was plastered all over it. I have mixed feelings about Jude enjoying a toy that once brought joy and happiness to sick children. I just wonder what the sick children have to play with now.

These are some pictures taken from the front porch of the apartment we found. Chattanooga is having an unusually cold, snowy winter. It looks beautiful, though, and I love living in the woods!

Well, that's it for now. Keep checking this blog because I'm sure to post something in the next 6 months, I'm sure.

Farm Animals??

2009-09-09T12:02:00.001-07:00

Recently, Jude and I went to the dollar store, and I found something that looked kind of fun for Jude's bath time. . . {disregard the CHOKING HAZARD label}

Ooooooooo! Some farm animals! So we tried a couple that first night. We got a cow and a sheep. As the bath times wore on, however, the animals that were "hatching" out of these capsules were not nearly so predictable. After a camel hatched out, I began to think it would be highly unusual to find some of these animals on a farm. Here are some of Jude's "farm animals". . .

A turkey. That's pretty good.

A goose.

A Pteradactyl. Wait, what?
Some other dinosaur. A horse would be nice about now.

I think this is a wolf.

I think this one looks like a bull elephant seal, which I thought was strange. Have you ever seen a picture of a bull elephant seal?. . .

The resemblance is striking. Now, I'm not saying that little sponge elephant seal couldn't be turned to another angle and look like some farm animal. I'm just saying, with all the random "farm animals" that hatched out of those thingies, what are the chances that it's NOT an elephant seal? Pretty slim, I'd say.

a bonus picture of Jude

Why does it even matter?

2009-09-01T21:42:00.001-07:00

I feel so humbled right now. I am such a ridiculously opinionated person and I really believe this is the way the Adversary gets to me. I almost ALWAYS think that there is a right way to do and think about everything and that is the way I am doing it. This includes all kinds of categories like. . .

1) POLITICS
2) PARENTING
3)BIRTHING
4) WESTERN MEDICINE DOCTORS VS. HOMEOPATHS & MIDWIVES
5) DOCTORS VS. NURSES
6) MINIMALISM
7) MUSIC

And the list goes on and on. It occurred to me AGAIN today (I'm a slow learner) after a bunch of my facebook friends had a shouting match and shot blood out of their eyes at each other, and after I realized I had hurt my sister's feelings by hitting below the belt with my opinion, that I need to stop. When your facebook wall and your blog comments are full of people who are obviously hurt or full of contention, you just have to stop.

And why does it even matter?

Who cares if I am a conservative and you are a liberal? And is there even THAT big of a difference between gospel-centered families who feel differently about the epidural? NO! There is NO DIFFERENCE in the end! We are all going to die and meet up in the afterlife, completely outside the man-made circumstances of Earth, and it WILL NOT MATTER!

So, what I've decided is, my opinions are important to me, and me only. I can choose whatever the heck I want to do. . . and here's the clincher. . . everyone else can too. I will still show my support for the things I'm fighting for, but it is futile and hurtful and unChristlike to belittle those who fight for something else or who just don't care.

What a humbling night.

Some Recent Goings-On

2009-08-09T23:04:00.001-07:00

There has been a lot of summer fun going on in the Barlow family.

On August 2nd, there was an Anasazi trail walker BBQ at our friend Kellicia's cabin. There is a certain magic out on the trail and it makes you completely love the people you work with. To this day, my trail walker friends are some of my best friends.

Have you ever read that blog www.cakewrecks.com?? Well, this is my very own cakewreck that I created. My husband Carl's birthday was on July 31st, and my sister-in-law Tiffany's birthday was August 1st. This cake was made "in honor of" their joint birthday party. At least it tasted really good. I'll give $100.00 to the person who can guess what that 3-armed propeller-looking thing is in the middle of the cake.

We went on a camping trip up American Fork Canyon. On the way there, the entire exhaust system fell off the bottom of our car. We highly recommend John's Towing and Rick's Muffler of Orem, UT to anyone with an exhaust system emergency. We were so grateful to finally get into the canyon. This is a picture of Jude waiting for me to cook dinner.

A short hike after dinner

Hot man. Cute baby.
Hot man. Cute baby. Wild flowers.

Here is Jude the next morning, waiting patiently to go on a hike to Timpanogas Cave.

Jude's first experience with a forest ranger. This forest ranger is actually our good friend Stewart Shelley who graciously agreed to pose for these overbearing parents.
A short hike to the top and then. . .

A moment to commemorate World Breastfeeding Week. (Sally, I hope you're reading this!)
Inside the cave

Then we went to Cascade Springs which is this huge waterfall-y meadow that is the first place to receive glacier runoff in the canyon. I didn't know that until after we had dipped Jude's bare feet in the water numerous times. Furthermore, I need to stop wearing this shirt at least while I'm nursing. My boobs are way too big and it is way too tight.

That's funny. It looks like there's a baby arm hanging out of my face.

We are doing Elimination Communication with Jude. Also known as baby potty training. Before you think we're crazy. . . did you know 80% of the world's children are completely potty trained by age 1? You can learn all about it at http://www.dy-dee.com/Benefits_of_Cloth/Skin_Care/Toilet_Training_The_Complete/toilet_training_the_complete.html.

And here is proof that it works. We only change a poopy diaper about once every two weeks, that's how much Jude likes to poo in his frog potty. He hates sitting in his own feces.

Plus, look how cute our little potato is sitting on his potty!

Well, that's it for now. Thanks for reading this!

I am NOT a hippie!

2009-07-31T23:18:00.000-07:00

I recently visited my friend Sally, and found that we have something in common. What is that you might ask? People often call us "hippies". My sister commented to me that when she and her husband first read my birth story, they both thought I was a "flaming hippie". One man my husband works with said to him, "Carl, you and Hilary are two of the most conservative hippies I have ever met."

I agree with Sally when she said, "I don't even know what that means. What's a hippie?" I think hippies are from a bygone era. . . like 1960's. Here are the characteristics I think of when I hear the word "hippie". . .

1) They smoked pot
2) didn't have jobs
3) had all kinds of sex with all kinds of other hippies.
4) Their value system consisted of "free love"
5) Believing in nature as their god
6) not wearing bras.

I am opposite of all of these things. Here are my characteristics. . .

1) I am strongly opposed to ANY kind of illegal drug use.
2) I have a job and believe every adult male under the age of 65 and every under-65 female not raising children should too
3) I am 100% monogomous and committed to my marriage relationship and I think people who have premarital sex are stupid (at the very least because they will contract a venereal disease and their children will be put at risk).
4) God gives us commandments for our own good so we don't become miserable and self-destructive.
5) I strongly strongly believe there is a God with a loving plan for us.
6) I SURE DO wear a bra at all times in public

You know, I think I've been called a hippie because I believe in natural childbirth, breastfeeding, and making my own yogurt. Maybe some people feel threatened by the fact that my baby has always been a good breastfeeder and they are jealous and want to find something wrong with me. Oh geez! Maybe they don't think I wear a bra so I can just whip 'em out at any time to feed the baby! How embarrassing! I really am "supported" if you know what I mean.
I also believe in the healing powers of herbs, that might be the clincher. It's not because I think nature is god, though. It's because herbs have up to 24 different protective chemical compounds in one plant that make it impossible for bacteria to mutate and penetrate. Pharmaceuticals, on the other hand, are made up of just one or a few chemicals in very pure form, so bacteria can walk right up to a commercial antibiotic, change clothes, and walk right through the door. This is how we end up with antibiotic resistance. Get it? It's impossible for a bacteria to find an outfit that none of 24 different compounds would recognize. Plants are very complex and naturally produce toxins when they are physically threatened.

Anyway, enough of that. I don't believe in anything unless I can make sense of it. I don't believe in voting for a president with an atrocious voting record while in the Senate. Apparently, my sister and her husband who called me a hippe do. I just do what makes sense and Sally and I came to the conclusion that you just can't categorize that. What do you think?

Jude getting beat up by the other kids

2009-07-31T23:09:00.000-07:00

Jude and the Park

2009-06-15T13:30:00.000-07:00

Today Jude and I went to a little park by our house. I was pleasantly surprised to see a baby swing actually open. At Liberty Park, ALL the swings are being occupied ALL the time, so it's been frustrating to go there. I think this new little park might be Salt Lake's best-kept secret.
Jude became better acquainted with grass. He loves to feel the grass between his fingers and he cries if I take him away from it.
Here he is looking a little more intense.
Oh those pudgy little fingers!! I want to EAT them!
Here's the little baby swing at the park. I think it's not quite up to safety code, but it seems to work for us.

Thanks for reading this!

The Great Salt Lake

2009-06-08T11:53:00.000-07:00

Here's something weird. . . up until last Saturday, I had never been to the Great Salt Lake. Carl and I decided to go to Antelope Island for my maiden voyage. It was SO COOL! I think the reason I liked it so much is because I got to be in the middle of the very unique ecosystem that gave our city its name. Here are some pictures we took. . .

It's kind of hard to see, but there are some seagulls (our state bird) flying along the shore there. I always viewed seagulls as the rude, annoying birds that try to steal your food when you're trying to have a picnic. After seeing them in their natural habitat, however, I realized what cool birds they are. . . perfectly adapted to that salt water and all the brine flies, brine shrimp, and grasshoppers they could possibly eat. They are so much better to see at the Great Salt Lake.

And here is the sego lilly, our state flower. They don't grow very many places in Utah, but at the Great Salt Lake, they are abundant and beautiful. They are smaller than I thought, with maybe a 1" diameter.

Here are Carl and Jude with one of the many buffalo statues placed throughout the state park. There are between 550 and 700 American bison on Antelope Island. We saw one, and its herd was nowhere to be seen.

We went on a short hike on a trail that would probably be way more fun to bike. It was nice to be out there with the salt air and breeze. We saw lots of lizards and got landed-on by grasshoppers.

Jude was having a lot of fun on this hike. I think he smiled for about 30 minutes without stopping! Of course, that's probably because his dad was doing such a good job of keeping him entertained.

As we were leaving the island, I thought the water looked so smooth and glass-like, and I had a new appreciation for the interesting natural phenomenon that is the Great Salt Lake.

The shoreline kept getting smaller as the lake got bigger and reflected the sky.

My eyes were going crazy when I looked at the lake because I couldn't tell where the horizon was. It just looked like sky out there. The only way you could tell where the water was, was by the waterfowl floating on top of it.

If you haven't been to Antelope Island, you should go! I always thought the Great Salt Lake would be too stinky to even get near it, but the smell is just salty, like the ocean. People tell me the brine shrimp are totally disgusting and they would NEVER swim in the lake. Well, I really want to feel the unique buoyancy of the salty water there, plus the state park has really nice showers for when you're done swimming. So. . . we're planning to go back when it's really hot outside, and I'm going to swim in this amazing lake! Let me know if you want to come!

Some Funny New Stories

2009-06-04T10:33:00.000-07:00

Carl often surprises me with stories from his past. Just when I think I know everything about him, he throws in another zinger, and sometimes makes me laugh so hard I cry. I thought I would share with you two stories Carl recently told me. I will never be able to tell them in his style (which is WAY better!), but there must be someone out there who enjoys these. So, here goes. . .

When Carl was little, he was learning to play the violin. He had been playing for quite some time and couldn't figure out why it always sounded so squeaky. He began learning a certain song, and his mom checked in on him while he was practicing. She noticed his fingers were not going down in quite the right place. Carl thought you're supposed to put your fingers down on the fingerboard BETWEEN the strings instead of ON the strings! After clearing up this misunderstanding, Carl's tone greatly improved.

Now, that's just a cute little story. What I think is funny about this story, which Carl left until the end to tell me, is that the name of the song he was learning was called "A Sad Song with a Happy Ending." How fitting.

STORY #2

I personally think the next story is much funnier than the first one. When Carl was younger, probably in junior high or something, he and his sister, Laura, and two of their cousins were riding in a van. The driver of the van was Carl's older cousin, a girl, who was in high school at the time. Carl and Laura lived at the end of a long country road with big irrigation ditches on either side. Can you guess where this story is going??

The driving cousin noticed a fly buzzing around and started swatting at it, at which point she lost control of the van and drove it nose-first into an irrigation ditch. You can imagine the activity that must have followed as water began rushing in through the broken windows. After some scrambling around, everyone got out okay. Carl and Laura split responsibilities. Laura walked the two younger cousins the rest of the way home and got help. Carl stayed with his hysterical cousin in hopes of calming her down.

Now, if you were the driver of this van, you might be thinking, "Holy Moly! We could have died! I can't BELIEVE we all made it out without any injuries!". Or perhaps, since you were a teenager, you might be thinking, "Oh geez! My parents will NEVER let me drive again! I will be riding the bus 'til my dying day". But Carl's cousin's thoughts were more noble than these, and turned toward the poor van, smashed, filling with water, never to be driven again. Even at this point, you might be thinking, "Dangit! We probably can't even salvage the parts, they're so smashed and wet." But no, in this moment of hysteria, do you know what came out of her mouth?? Over and over again, Carl said, his cousin repeated the phrase, "Hundreds of dollars in carpet damage! (sob, sob, sob)".

Carpet damage? Carpet damage?? Really? Now, I'm no mechanic, but it seems to me that there would be other parts of the van more deeply affected by the crash than the carpet, but what do I know? Sure, even if the axles were intact enough to pull the van out of the ditch with any ease at all, and even if the electrical system had any tiny glimmer of hope of surviving, even then, the carpet WOULD be damaged. So I guess I see her point.

Making Yogurt

2009-05-13T15:01:00.000-07:00

My mother-in-law (who isn't afraid of trying ANYTHING!) introduced me to yogurt-making. At first I thought, "Why should I make it instead of buy it? What is the benefit?" I quickly found the answer to my own question. . . IT IS WAY CHEAPER! Also, this yogurt tastes considerably better than anything you'd buy at the store, plus, if you're into this kind of thing, it is totally organic and you know exactly what is in your yogurt.

Now, I will never go back to buying yogurt. Carl and I have pretty much perfected this homemade yogurt recipe, and I want to share with you how we do it, and also encourage everyone out there to try it, just once!

I will put this foreword on it. . . just start with making a quart at a time because your first batch will inevitably be a flop. Well, it was for me, anyway. If you learn with just a quart at a time, you won't waste a gallon of milk if it goes wrong.

Carl & Hilary’s Homemade Yogurt

Ingredients (for 1 gallon of yogurt):

1 gallon of milk (I use fat free)

1 cup instant dry milk powder

1 ½ cups sugar or your choice of sweetener

2 Tablespoons vanilla

6-8 oz. plain yogurt or you can use a start (6-8 oz.) from your previous batch (with the sugar and vanilla in it and everything)

*Just a note: If you’re going to add fruit (which I always do), wait until the yogurt is totally finished. You add fruit at the very end.

Supplies:

Large pot

Candy thermometer

Insulated Cooler with towel to drape over the lid

4 quart jars or other glass or plastic containers

Here is our candy thermometer

This is the insulated cooler we use. I thought the Mother's Day flowers in the background would add a nice touch. . . ha!

Directions:

1. Pour milk into pot and add the powdered milk. Heat the milk on medium or medium high until it reaches 185 degrees F. You have to stir it constantly or it will definitely burn. This is the part that takes the longest and is the most boring. It really can take up to 45 minutes to do this part.

2. Take the pot off the stove and set it into a sink full of cold water if you want. This is the part where you let it cool. It’s a good time to prepare the insulated cooler (#5 below).

3. Add the sugar and vanilla and stir them in until dissolved. Let the sugary milk cool to 115-120 degrees F.

4. Add the yogurt start. If the start is cold, it can bring the temp. down a little, so prepare for a 2-3 degree drop after adding the start. Stir it in so it’s evenly distributed. The yogurt start needs be a little clumpy so it has other bacteria to “breed” with. So, small clumps are good.

5. Prepare the very technologically advanced thermal regulator. . . the insulated cooler! Fill your cooler about half full with water that is between 105-110 degrees F. Don’t worry, it will stay this temperature for a long time in a cooler. No need to keep adding hot water to it throughout the entire culturing process.

6. The mixture in the pot should be right around 115 degrees F when you transfer it into your quart jars. Fill your jars/containers, screw on their lids, and place them in your cooler full of water. The water level should go at least as high as the lids on the jars. I’ve also found it doesn’t matter if your containers are floating.

7. Put the lid on your cooler, put a towel over the top to insulate it a little better, and wait 4-6 hours while the yogurt cultures. The longer you wait, the more of a “bite” your yogurt will have. I personally believe that 5 hours makes the perfect balance between mild and bite. But everyone is different.

8. Refrigerate it after it comes out of the cooler. I add fruit to it 1 jar at a time so my no-preservative fruit doesn’t rot in the other jars before we eat it. You can thaw some frozen berries and add them, put in some canned peaches, you can even try putting pie filling in your yogurt.

Here's what the finished product looks like when you first take it out of the cooler. Then you just stick it in the fridge and eat it when it's chilled.

Here's the finished product with pureed strawberries mixed in. I have to say, this is the BEST flavored yogurt we've ever made. You can tell because it's already half-way eaten!

Anyway, thanks for reading this. Happy yogurt making!

Here is a bonus picture of Jude waiting for the yogurt to culture.

Something funny

2009-04-27T14:48:00.000-07:00

Here is the most annoying conversation a wife can possibly have with her husband. . .

Husband: "Wow! (baby's name) didn't wake up once last night! That was a really good sleep for him!

Wife: Actually, he woke up twice; once at 1:30 and once at 4:30. I nursed him back to sleep both times.

Husband: No way! I must have been in such a deep sleep! (laughs hysterically)

My One True Love: Carl Barlow

2009-03-19T16:49:00.000-07:00

This entry is long overdue. I've been meaning to write it since I started this blog. This entry is all about why romantic love is so wonderful, and why marriage is the right thing to do. I suppose what brought on my urgency to post this was my run-in today with a guy I dated about 5 years ago. I've been thinking about how when you first start dating someone, it's kind of for selfish reasons, i.e. you like the way they make you feel. It's exciting because you're not totally committed yet, and you're still testing the water, discovering this mysterious person you want to know more and more about.

You think that's love. Then, when you decide to get married, and you are committed to each other, that's where the true love begins. It's not selfish anymore. You give your whole life to the other person. . . your time, talents, friendship, nurturing, every little characteristic you have now belongs to the one you love.

I am dedicating this blog to my incredible husband of 3 years, Carl. His patience, humor, leadership, and honoring of his marriage covenants have impressed me from day one. He just gets better and better with age. And I love him.

Carl wrote this poem for me just before our son, Jude, was born. I love the depth of his introspection, and I can't even get through the first two stanzas before I'm crying. This poem exemplifies true love, and I feel so honored that he wrote it for me!

Summation

When, I, as a child, to earth did come

The number to which I belonged, was One

--One King of The Mountain, alone I would be

--One winner of all things I wanted for me

--One boy to be cared for—my needs to sustain

--One boy to be heard—all my joy and my pain

And what’er the problems of others might be

The real ones counting—they added to me

For when weighing the listings of tasks to be done

Important ones seemingly upheld my ONE

And all was quite perfect, for shouldn’t it be

That that which was worthwhile supported my Me?

And life, I had figured, was fantastic and fun

As long as it nurtured the concept of One

And then came the day that I flew into you

My One bursting into a beautiful Two

For two on life’s lakes far outshines the one

Bearing twice the joy with a bigger sun

And ideas of One: so soon surpassed

By the wholeness of us two, at last

And blessed with your love I’ve grown stone sure

That I’ll return to One no more

For like a weak broth has One become

Next the banquet of Two—its joy and its sun

--The best part of me I’ve now offered to you

As I’ve happily rambled this world of Two

For even in moments when wand’ring apart

I now beat for Two, within my heart

And my anthem become something much richer and true

By embracing the treasure of living for Two

And to this moment we’ve come at last

When our love of two has been surpassed

Like a conqu’ring sea against the shore

Our family’s love now beats for more

So to us, my love, no wonder it be

That the marvel of Two now blossoms to Three

And like the castle on bulwarks stands

The pow’r of three it takes command

O’er an accounting of life’s most important of parts

And affixes them, soundly, within our hearts

No longer partakers alone will we be

But Creators and Stewards to care for our Three

And I wonder—though trav’ling lands mystic and tall

If this won’t be our greatest adventure of all?

--One to out-do the luster of life’s former shines?

--One to forge a foundation outlasting mere time?

Yes, a symphony much more complete will life be

In tending our priceless garden of Three

And so now, with hands held, and hearts free to soar

We shall nurture our Three, God’s entrustment of More

And to you—my love—all respect do I give

The purpose and reason I now choose to live

For life’s greatest treasures I attribute to you

My perfect, miraculous treasure of Two

For what’er life’s torrents might possibly be

With you at my side, we’ll now revel in Three.

Isn't that incredible? Besides being really hot, Carl is also SMART! In fact, I had a dream last night that we were at church, and I went into the bathroom, and there was a man in there having a heart attack (it was a dream, that's why there was a man in the womens' bathroom, you know, one of those weird unexplainable things). Well, I got kind of scared because I knew I had to put my training into practice, and I just called out, "Help!". Carl was the only one that heard me, and he ran into the bathroom and immediately started CPR while I was timidly fiddling with toilet paper or something. I only mention this dream because it is symbolic of our marriage. When I am hesitant or confused on how to do something, Carl seems to know exactly how to take charge and take care of it. He saved that guy's life in my dream, just like he's saved me too many times to count. He is what a man is supposed to be. . . a protector, a leader, a sense of security.

Here are some pictures I love. . .

Us on our wedding day, December 21, 2005.

The man I love with our little son on his blessing day

Carl took this picture of our blooming orchid. What I love about this orchid is that Carl has had it as long as we've been married, but just this year, the year our first child was born, did it bloom.

Our little family together on Jude's blessing day, just a few weeks ago.

Thank you for letting me tell you why I love Carl so much. I hope that everyone who reads this will understand what a blessing true love is, and what a miraculous and divine institution marriage is. There are a lot of things people do to feel like they're married, i.e. shacking up, spending the night, buying each other groceries and steak dinners, but there is NOTHING as sacred, honorable, and beautiful as the real thing. And I am the luckiest woman in the world to be married to my One True Love for time and all eternity.

A Smiling, Growing Boy

2009-02-14T22:57:00.001-08:00

We are Absolutely in Love with this Baby!!

Here is a little frowny face. I want to eat those little cheeks!

Christlike hand-outs: an oxymoron?

2009-02-03T11:39:00.000-08:00

My dad is an administrative law judge. Basically, that means he is one of the 6 or so judges in Salt Lake City that decides who gets disability benefits. As you can imagine, I grew up having all kinds of dinner conversations about people coming in for a hearing who were clearly faking a disability so they wouldn't have to work anymore. My dad has story after story of young able-bodied men and women coming in and telling the judge (after being sworn in) that they are unable to work, unable to sit up for more than 2 hours at a time. There are even people so desperate that they walk all the way from the parking lot, up some stairs, through security, only to collapse into the hearing room at just the right moment, with the judge watching! Clearly dishonest.

I bring this up because there are a lot of people out there who think that "tolerance" and "charity" as they are defined today, are Christ-like attributes. As the "haves" in this world, we are only Christ-like if we are giving freely to the "have-nots". I live downtown and I see beggars all the time who ask me for spare change and "$1 to go toward a Motel 8 room" and things. I may be exposing myself too much here, but honestly, I purposefully do not give hand-outs to these folks. Perhaps I am jaded because I grew up with story after story of fakers.

Some people might say, "Well, Hilary! Christ was poor and blessed EVERYONE, no matter if they lived on the street or not." To this I say He did not give one blessing without expecting something from people in return. The cool thing is, though, that what he expected in return was only something that made their lives better. The truth is, he expected them to have faith in order to be healed. The beggars and others who Christ healed had to give Him their belief in Him. In reality, Christ did expect people to do something for themselves, namely, have faith and follow Him.

I think it would not be at all inappropriate to, when a beggar asks you for change, suggest something that will help their station in life. For example, give them a bus token and let them know they can ride the bus and go put in a day's work at Welfare Square where they will get fed for their work and also be given an opportunity for more permanent employment. If they are unwilling to do this, I don't think they need my money. They are a faker.

Here is another thing I've thought about. A lot of liberal people who don't read the Bible think that Christ was this super tolerant, accepting person who just walked around and taught people to love each other. This is true, but there is so much more to the character of Jesus that they are leaving out. In truth, Jesus Christ was very divisive, and most educated people hated him. Why would someone so full of love be hated? Have you ever wondered that, agnostic liberals? It's because Christ required things of people. Remember the woman who was caught in adultery, and those horrible pharisees (basically politicians) brought her to Christ to see what he would say? He told her that her sins were forgiven (the loving gift) and she was to go her way and "sin no more" (the requirement).

This picture is supposed to represent a highly educated liberal

Now, if a highly educated person who believes in pre-marital sex today (I'm sure we all know someone who fits into this category) heard Christ say they should stop breaking that commandment, what do you think their reaction would be? Would they say, "Oh, you're so intolerant of my lifestyle"? Or, "Well, it's not hurting YOU, I'll do what I want!" Either way, I think they would feel offended that someone called them on their poor choice. It's interesting that this same person who would feel offended, can now, in this moment, say that Christ was a great, loving teacher.

I don't know exactly why I'm writing about this. Maybe I'm just pointing out an irony, an inconsistency that has bothered me for a long time. I will end by saying it is okay to expect something from someone you give money to (heck, the government does it all the time!) and also it IS Christ-like to expect people to live by His commandments. Of course, we follow Christ's example and do this all with a heart full of love and patience.

Introducing Jude Taylor Barlow-- Welcomed into our family on December 28, 2008

2008-12-30T19:34:00.000-08:00

Here he is! At long last, our beautiful Jude has come to us, and the love in our family has multiplied incredibly! I will give you (probably too many) details. Jude is my first baby, and was born at the Birth and Family Place at 3:10 AM on December 28, 2008. I cannot recommend a better place to give birth, and I strongly encourage everyone to look up their website and see what the difference is between a hospital birth and a birth center birth-- www.birthandfamilyplace.com. He weighed 8 lbs. 14 oz. (almost a 9-pounder from little ol' me!) and was 21 and 1/4" long. A big boy!

I felt (and still feel) strongly that we owe it to our babies to give birth naturally whenever possible. Therefore, I had a totally natural birth and it is the absolute most empowering, authentic experience I have ever had in my entire life. It was more challenging and more rewarding than any race I've ever run, any test I've ever passed, and any service I've ever given. I feel 100% human and alive after this experience!

Here's a little bit about the labor, which was long and difficult, I'm not going to lie! I went into early labor on December 26th at about noon. At that point, I should have gone straight to bed and slept through all the contractions I possibly could in order to gather energy for active labor. . . but I didn't!

Here I am foolishly dinking around while I should have been sleeping! My contractions went on and on and by 10:30 PM, they were 3 minutes apart, and I thought "This is it!" So I had Carl call the midwife, and she said she would meet us at the birth center when we were ready to come in and be checked. I said I could wait probably another hour. After that, I fell promptly asleep, and woke up around 2:15 AM with intense contractions that had spread themselves about 10- 15 minutes apart. . . now it was impossible to sleep for more than 15 minutes at a time, but Carl and I were SO TIRED and my contractions were so far apart that we decided to wait until morning to go in and get checked. At 7:00 am on December 27th, we met our midwife, Becky, at the birth center. My contractions had picked up again, now 2-4 minutes apart, Becky checked me and I was only dilated to a 4. It turns out that my body was so exhausted that my uterine muscles were not making a coordinated, concerted, downward effort, but instead the different layers of muscles of the uterus were contracting independently of one another, thus making my contractions ineffective, but still very painful. Becky, in her wisdom, explained that if we didn't stop the contractions so they could re-set, I would be too exhausted to handle active labor and push the baby out. So, she gave me a shot of a muscle relaxant that allowed me to sleep for 6 hours! The contractions were still there, but mild enough that I could mostly sleep through them. But by 10:00 PM on December 27th, they were back full strength, and I had no idea if they were coordinated or uncoordinated.

At that point, I told Carl I didn't think I had made any progress, and it hurt so bad I was ready to go to the hospital and have a stupid epidural. Now, my husband is a very smart and intuitive man, and he immediately recognized this statement as a sign that I had probably progressed. That's how natural labor is. . . right when you're ready to give up, that's when you're about to progress to the next stage. He called the midwife and told her we were ready to come get checked again. I was dubious and thought I would for sure still be a 4. I walked in our birth room on shaky legs, stopping to sway through a contraction on my way to the bed. Becky checked me, and to my great releif and surprise, I was dilated to a 6! While her hand was still in there, she barely touched my bag of waters which released immediately! And she said, "Now you're a 7." That was around 11:00 PM on December 27th.

Things progressed rapidly from there, and almost immediately I had an incredibly intense contraction. I think Carl asked me something, but it was like chickens trying to talk to ducks. I couldn't understand and honestly didn't care what he was saying. I was officially in Labor Land. It turns out I'm a very loud laborer. The energy was just so intense! Becky filled the tub while Carl coached me through the most incredible pain of my entire life. I wanted so badly to just stop and rest, and then another surge would come and I just had to go through it. There was no choice. It's so wierd when you can't control your body, but I knew that surrender was absolutely essential to let my body open and birth.

12:00, 1:00, 1:30 AM passed with me in and out of the warm tub, taking sips of water, peeing in the toilet (that, by the way, is the absolute WORST place in the world to have a contraction!). Finally, I felt like pushing. I tried some pushes in the tub, but it was so hard to rest in there between contractions that we thought maybe I should try lying on the bed. I guess that was better. While there, I was so exhausted and I was letting almost all my pushing energy escape through my voice. Jude's heart rate started going down into the 70's (yikes!) during pushing. They put me on my left side with oxygen and told me to hold my breath while I pushed. Voila! That was the secret! I had to trap my energy in order to push down all the way. There was major progress from there, and after about 6 more exhausting sessions of pushing, Jude's head was out.

Then things started turning ugly. Jude's head was out, but his shoulders were stuck behind my pubic bone. This is considered an emergency (one of the more common birth emergencies) called shoulder dystocia. Carl watched as Jude's face turned from that normal blue color to purple with black lips. Here is where Becky becomes my number one hero. She immediately knew what was going on, commanded the nurses to flip me to my hands and knees to reposition the baby, and with great force, manually rotated his shoulders so they could come out. Jude was safe and healthy and in Carl's arms! I remember the incredible relief of having him out, and I thought this was the part where I could just relax and finally hold my baby on the outside.

Oh no. My hero Becky then noticed (and so did Carl) that I was gushing a river of blood. I had a partial separation of the placenta. That's where only part of the placenta detaches from the uterine wall, leaving blood vessels the size of fire hoses open to drain all your blood! This is an extremely rare emergency, and luckily Becky saw it immediately and went in after my placenta (the pain from this part was about as bad as my most painful contraction, only it seemed to last longer). She had to manually scrape the remaining piece off my uterine wall so my uterus could contract down and keep me from losing any more blood. Becky said in 20 years of doing deliveries, she had only seen 5 partial separations of the placenta. I was her lucky 6th :) Most women lose an average of 500 mL (1/2 liter) of blood during childbirth. I lost 1500 mL.

Because Becky and her 2 birth assistants acted so quickly, Jude and I are both totally fine. I got a liter of fluid IV and a prescription for iron pills. Jude is totally normal and healthy. Because of his shoulders having to come out so quickly, I got a really bad tear, almost all the way to my rectum. All's I can say is, bless the dear person who invented the at-home sitz bath! So, I got a few stitches which honestly don't even hurt.

This was a WILD labor and delivery! Some women are scared to allow their bodies to birth. They don't trust their bodies or feel that they are the exception, the one that is incapable of giving birth naturally. There is so much negativity that surrounds birth. I cannot tell you the horror stories I've heard from friends that ended up in c-sections, simply because these friends were not informed that they actually had a CHOICE about what the doctor would and would not do to their bodies. We trust doctors too much and our bodies not enough. EVERY SINGLE WOMAN out there with low-risk pregnancy is absolutely able to birth! I just want women to know it is okay to trust your body! Some high-risk OB resident or someone told me in my second trimester that had to go on progesterone shots because my cervix was too short and my baby had "a chance" of falling out. Yeah right. I'm no idiot. There I was well into my 2nd trimester and I had been backpacking and exercising vigorously the whole pregnancy. Then this doctor who doesn't even know me comes along and tells me I'm about to miscarry? Um, I think that probably would have happened by then?? She wanted me on bedrest and getting shots every week. To this day, I am SO GLAD I didn't take her seriously. She was just trying not to get sued, and that is it.

I am so glad I was at a birth center with my own personal midwife. Had I been in the hospital on a Sunday morning at 3:10 AM, some idiot, inexperienced intern OB would have seen the small amount of meconium that was in my broken water and c-sectioned me. He or she would have compromised my future ability to give birth vaginally because he or she would not have recognized the range of normalcy in my labor and delivery. He or she probably would not have acted as quickly as Becky in stopping my bleeding, and I would have had to get a blood transfusion, no doubt. The truth is, a lot of crazy things can happen during ANY delivery and ANY labor. What matters is that you absolutely know and trust your birth attendant. I had built a strong relationship with my certified nurse midwife long before my delivery. My appointments with her were often 1 hour long or longer. She answered all my questions and proved her competence over and over again. This woman is amazing, and I would strongly encourage every single woman having a low-risk pregnancy to go with a midwife instead of an OB. The difference will absolutely knock your socks off!
Sorry, this is the only picture we have so far of our midwife, Becky McInnis. Here she is showing us our placenta (which we kept, by the way, for fertilizer in our garden this year!)

Now that I've shared that opinion. . . The advantages I've experienced because I had a natural birth, to name a few, are. . .

1) I got up and walked around as soon as my stitches were done with no discomfort at all
2) Jude (like most natural-birth babies) immediately was awake and alert. He came out rooting for the breast, and breastfed beautifully within the first hour of birth. His latch has only become stronger, and he is exceeding normal limits for wet diapers and stools.
3) We got to go home 6 hours after delivery, to have our own place to bond.
4) NO CATHETER! woo hoo!
5) We get to call the shots about who visits and who doesn't and what time they can come and go
6) We get to eat what we want (and Carl gets fed too!) instead of depending on some ridiculous hospital menu that only feeds me.

More pictures for you! Sorry about my boobs being in almost every picture. Breastfeeding time just happened to be the time the camera came out. Sorry! Also, I am aware that my appearance after this birth was not exactly beautiful, but hey, I just gave birth naturally!
Our first family picture, about 6 hours after Jude's birth, and right before we went home.
Carl and Jude as we were laying down for a nap right after the birth. Carl and I had just eaten the birth center's breakfast (which they feed to the husbands as well as the moms! A nice little perk to the birth center!) and Jude had just eaten as well.

I was still sweaty. . . a breastfeeding family!

First latch! Good job, Jude!

I know I'm a little partial, but I really think our baby is the cutest one in the world. Don't you agree??

Well, we have our 3-day-old appointment at the birth center tomorrow where they'll do a PKU and bilirubin test and things. So I better get to bed. Bless your heart for reading this all the way to the end! Remember to check out the birth center website!

With more love in my heart than I ever thought I was capable of,
Hilary

A Pregnant Nurse

2008-12-26T10:11:00.000-08:00

I am a nurse at the VA hospital. There are many things that differentiate a veteran patient from a non-veteran patient. Veterans are typically a lot more laid-back and less demanding than non-veterans, and they're a lot more grateful for what you do for them. One other thing is that many veterans have lost their sense of inhibition. As my belly has grown, there have been some women who've come up and felt my belly. Strangely, though, I have also had several of my patients reach out while I'm standing at the bedside and lay a gentle hand or two on my protruding belly. Mind you, these are old men. I don't really mind it because I'm so proud of my body for being able to grow this incredible miracle, but I just wonder what these veterans are thinking. I think a lot of them want to reconnect with that time of life when they were having their own babies. They almost always end up telling me about how their wives were "as big as a house" and how "she had them all natural" and "she carried that baby for 10 and 1/2 months" and stories about how each of their kids was delivered. I have loved these conversations because I get a different perspective, a man's perspective, on childbirth.

I've noticed a lot of women complain or are negative about their childbirth experiences, and they often roll their eyes when I tell them I'm having a natural waterbirth. But these men talk about it with a twinkle in their eyes and with the joy of fatherhood. They are proud of their wives who went drugless. I like their approach a lot more than these women who complain. I guess what I'm saying is, these old veterans somehow have made me look forward to motherhood, expecting joy from my expanding family.

I know this is a weird first blog entry, but it's been on my mind.